Keeping It Clean

I do not mean my blog, for the record.

But do I have any rednecks out there?  I have some questions I need to ask you.

What the fuck is your obsession with cleaning your car and mowing your lawn?  For fucking real.  That’s all these people do–take their cars to the car wash two or three times a week.  They claim their car is filthy and simply had to get it washed PRONTO.

First of all, unless you drive through grimy back roads on a regular basis, your car isn’t going to get filthy in a day or two.  Hell, it’s probably not going to get very dirty in a month.  But…the need to wash a car more than once a week?  That’s sociopathic.  And all it means is that you care what other people think about your car.  You want other people to see it shiny, and fear people “judging” you for some imaginary speck of dirt on your car.

What the fuck is the point of having a car if you’re not going to actually drive it?  I mean, I love my car, don’t get me wrong, but the number of times I’ve washed it in the five and a half years I’ve owned it equal zero.  Part of that is laziness, but the rest of it is that I simply don’t care.  The car runs, and that’s far more important than a few smudges here and there that *gasp* people might notice.  There’s pollen floating all over the god damn place right now, and these retards are out there washing their cars.  The pollen is just going to stick to your wet car, you know.  Wait for the fucking rain–that’ll clean your car sufficiently.

But you’d swear the world was going to collapse in on itself if that car doesn’t get washed.

There’s also this redneck obsession with watering and mowing lawns.  Especially mowing lawns.  And it seems a bit counterproductive to water your lawn obsessively just to mow it down two or three times a week.  Seriously–people around here are on their mowers (on them, not behind them–too much work to push a mower) at least twice a week.  The grass never gets to be higher than a quarter of an inch before someone’s attacking it.  Personally, I like longer grass–it feels better between my toes than really short grass.  But somehow, these freaky rednecks think that having a very green, very short lawn matters.  I’m not even talking about nice neighborhoods; I’m talking crappy lawns no bigger than a postage stamp.  Even in the middle of a drought, they’ll water their lawns so they can mow them down.  Now, to me, a drought is nature’s way of saying, “Fuck the lawn.  Take some time off.  I’ve got this.”

You remember Patty?  I’ve mentioned her before, a while back.  At any rate, she’s one of the biggest proponents of both car washing and lawn mowing that I know.  I’ll ask her why she feels the need to wash her car AGAIN on any given week, and she claims that it’s filthy.  This has never been the case. Granted, it’s a white car, but she basically drives from home to work and back, and when she’s at home, she’s under a car port.  Her car has little opportunity to acquire any level of filth.  In regards to her lawn…I remember this from about a year ago.  She mentioned her husband mowing the lawn the previous night, and I mentioned that he’d just mowed it a few days before that, and asked why he was doing it again.  She flat out said that the people across the street had been mowing their lawn and what would they say about hers?

I was like, what the fuck?  Who cares what they say?  If they’ve got the time to be concerned with a millimeter of grass growth, they need to find a new hobby.  What the fuck could someone possibly say about your lawn that would make you care so much?  Why do you care that much what your neighbors think about grass?  Motherfucking GRASS.  People who judge you based on your grass or your car are fucking worthless and need something else to think about.

But please…explain it to me.  There’s no logic.  And why do you care so much about what other people think?  Especially in such petty matters.

Fuck…on a sort of related note, I can hear Patty rambling on in the other room.  She’s telling yet another person about how her son went to church this weekend.  Who the fuck cares?  If he wants to go to church, that’s fine, but is it really the business of everyone else, or do you just want people to talk about your pious piece of shit child?  The other day on facebook, this same piece of shit let the world know that he was rededicating himself to god, blah blah blah.  I had to physically restrain myself from mentioning that perhaps he should stop shacking up with his barely legal girlfriend if he wants to play Mr. Religion.  I love how people do the whole church thing, but only the parts that are convenient at the moment.  “I’m gonna go to church and read me a Bible and completely ignore the parts that tell me not to do the things I enjoy…like boning.”

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~ by raspychick on April 17, 2012.

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