Vague Movie Reviews

First, I’m going to start this by saying I’m a little pissed.  I’ve been working on this post on and off for a few hours today and when I clicked Save Draft, some error occurred and the whole post was lost.  Apparently that auto save feature thing is a crock.

Anyway, I’ll see what I can do.

I own a lot of movies, and I’ve even seen a bunch of them (yes, I’m that person who buys a movie but never gets around to watching it). Not too long ago, I decided to compile a list on IMDB of all the movies I’ve ever seen, and it’s been quite the process, especially when there’s a lot of movies you don’t remember watching until something in the universe pops out to smack you in the face and yell, “You’ve seen this piece of shit movie!  You can’t deny it!”  In the process, I’ve realized I’ve seen A LOT of movies that are absolute shit.  Some shit movies aren’t so bad, but others are just shit.  Which brings me to…

I’ve been watching a lot of movies lately, between the ones that have been sitting on my hard drive collecting dust and hogging space and others that I’ve been borrowing from the library.  The results have been…interesting, and I thought I’d share my thoughts and opinions on these films in stilted and unhelpful reviews.

And away we go!

This movie wasn’t bad, actually, but it reminded me a bit too much of Playing By Heart with the whole multiple storylines and how they all tied in together.  But since Julianne Moore is the shit, Steve Carell is actually pretty funny, Ryan Gosling has a certain amount of charm, and despite my best efforts I actually like Emma Stone, I did find it to be a fairly cute movie.  Would I want to own it, though?  Probably not.  B-

I’m still trying to figure out what the fuck happened in this movie.  Was it space bugs?  Insanity?  Ghosts?  What the hell was going on?  I found it to be fairly boring, actually, so I didn’t pay much attention to it, and I didn’t follow the story closely (though had no trouble playing catch up with the basic plot).  I think it was an interesting concept, but following so closely on the heels of movies like Paranormal Activity, it lost the element of surprise.  It had potential, but not much else.  D

There was something about this movie that was…I don’t know.  Off-putting.  It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t really good.  The vast age differences between the actors that we were supposed to ignore stuck out a lot to me.  Plus, all I could see when I looked at the chick who played Vince Vaughn’s wife was the skag from Harold & Kumar who was married to Freak Show and flashed her tits to the world.  It was all right, but I won’t watch it again.  Jason Bateman has better stuff out there.  D+

There’s not much that I can add to this party that hasn’t been said…but I’ll give it a shot.

I’ll admit that I’ve read the books and seen the other movies (though have managed to avoid paying for them), and the weren’t terrible–at the very least, they were quick reads.  I’ll definitely agree with how pathetic the Bella character is, and that it doesn’t paint women in the best light, etc.  But I digress…

This movie is horrible.  Any progress made by the books was immediately shat on by the crapfest that are these movies.  Kristen Stewart–take a fucking acting lesson!  EMOTE! Do SOMETHING!  For the love of all that is unholy, make a face.  What the hell was with that walk down the aisle?  Was she nervous?  Nauseous?  Hopped up on too much crystal meth?  There was a lot of twitching going on and I don’t know why.  And Robert Pattison…I know the character is supposed to brood, but it’s okay to do something other than sulk.  I think he even did so in the books.  You should take an acting lesson as well.  Taylor Lautner…stop being so angry!  And you know, even though the movie was pretty craptastic, about an hour in, it got worse.  A pack of bad CGI wolves (and in the day and age, bad CGI in a big budget film is pretty pathetic and unacceptable) that were speaking to each other.  Telepathically, of course.  I realize this scene probably happened in the book, but watching it on film was just pathetic.  I had trouble watching because it felt so awkward.    Let’s not even talk about how fucking creepy it is to watch wolfboy imprint on an infant.   Because it’s really fucking creepy, especially watching it in action.  F-

I know…another Kristen Stewart flick.  I’ve been avoiding this one for about two years, but since it was on my hard drive, I figured I’d give it a shot.  When will people learn that an obscure soundtrack, no score, awkward editing, and dialogue meant to be quirky and enticing to the latest group of sheep (but really just leaves people out in the cold) does not a good movie make?  God, and Jesse Eisenberg is awkward as fuck.  I realize that sort of thing is supposed to work in movies like this, but I couldn’t get past his awkwarditude (yes, that’s now a word and I’m going to trademark that bastard).  Lay off the ritolin or double espressos or crack or whatever it is that’s making you so jumpy.  Neither Ryan Reynolds nor Kristin Wiig could make this an acceptable movie.  D

I went into this with no expectations.  The first one was funny as fuck–NPH’s sudden reappearance into our lives, Chris Meloni as Freak Show, just overall awesomeness.  The second one was pretty disappointing, though.  I know it would be hard to live up to the first, but they still could have done better.  But this one was all right; not great, but not bad.  I was only disappointed that I couldn’t find my 3D glasses to see the effects.  C+

I saw this the same day I saw Adventureland, so I figured it could only go up from there.  It was entertaining, I’ll give it that.  But, since I had no expectations, I couldn’t be terrible disappointed.  The humor was occasionally dry, thus I laughed a bit.  The plot was pretty stupid, but I think the movie acknowledged that.  Overall, I don’t like Megan Fox, but she was pretty good for this role. C+

Fuck, I don’t like Woody Allen.  I don’t want to speak empirically of all his films, but the man has more neuroses than a room full of super models.  What’s really sad is that he feels he should be the star of all his films; while he seems to acknowledge that he’s now too old for the roles he’s writing, he obviously writes the male lead as himself and how he would speak and behave, then smacks some dude in the middle of it.  So, listening to two hours of Woody Allen-speak is tough to take.  I love the concept of it; I love the thought of being able to visit a different time like that, and I loved (overall) the actors playing the people from the past.  But Owen Wilson makes my ass twitch.  Fix your nose, dude–the one you’ve got isn’t appealing and has got to be causing breathing problems.  Ordinarily, I like Rachel McAdams, but this time…wow.  And I don’t think it was because the character was supposed to be unlikable–I think it was the drivel she was forced to work with.  C

Surprisingly, I love this movie.  Adam Sandler flicks are more miss than hit, and I never expected anything more from this.  However, I saw parts of it last summer and was intrigued, though I just got around to watching the whole thing.  I actually found it very touching.  Drew Barrymore did a great job with the material, and I thought it was overall a very sweet movie.  A guy that goes through that sort of effort just to meet you everyday is a great romcom character.  I’m not even ashamed to say that I got teary-eyed at the end.  The downside is that Sandler insists on putting his buddies in all of his movies.  B+

That’s all I’ve got.  Thanks for playing and stay tuned for more crappy movie reviews.

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~ by raspychick on March 8, 2012.

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